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Shazz's 10 Minute "Pitch Black" Synopsis I put in personal opinions and comments, because I could. Do not take these as personal criticisms, or as a bad review of The Movie. I have a smart-ass sense of humor, so deal with it. INT SPACESHIP: RIDDICK is tied, chained, gagged, and blindfolded, in a BDSM person's wet dream. We hear an opening monologue in Vin's wonderful voice. (This is word-for-word straight from a wav file I downloaded. Just in case you wanted it. And because I wanted to hear it again. They say most of your brain shuts down in cryo-sleep. All but the primitive side. The animal side. No wonder I'm still awake. Transporting me with civilians, sounded like 40, 40 plus. Heard an Arab voice; some hoodoo holy man. Probably on his way to New Mecca. But what route? What route? Smell of a woman – sweat, boots, toolbelt leather. Prospector type, free settlers. And they only take the back roads. And here's my real problem. Mr. Johns. Blue eyed devil. Plannin' on taking me back to Slam. Only this time he picked a ghost lane. A long time between the stops. A long time for something to go wrong. A crew member, FRY, is awakened out of cryo-sleep and falls out of her locker. She realizes something is drastically wrong and tries to talk to the CAPTAIN, who is killed by a micro-meteorite in front of her eyes. Another crew member, OWENS, falls out of his tube onto her. The two argue for a while, then realize the gravity of the situation and rush to their stations. They seem to be the only crew left. FRY reports they are hemorrhaging air while OWENS reports they have been knocked out of the normal shipping lanes and are lost. They are rapidly falling towards a barren looking planet. OWENS makes a mayday call, while FRY purges most of the cargo containers, trying to pull the nose of the ship up. She can't do it and tries to purge the passenger compartment, but OWENS has blocked an airlock door open, preventing this from happening. She tries later after OWENS removes the block, but the lever fails. As the ship falls, JOHNS rises out of his locker to check on his prisoner, RIDDICK. He grabs onto a pipe, as most of the ship is shredded in the landing. INT. SPACESHIP: Slowly, passengers rise from their lockers. JOHNS sees that RIDDICK is gone, and starts a search for him. RIDDICK attacks from ambush, hiding in the ceiling, catching JOHNS with his bound feet and trying to strangle him. JOHNS pulls him down and slams RIDDICK onto the floor. Meanwhile, in the cockpit, FRY discovers OWENS body, then he wakes up and starts screaming – a pipe is embedded in his torso. The surviving passengers come into the cockpit. FRY tells them to get painkillers, and they tell her that the medical kit is gone. She orders them to leave. OWENS screams for a while, then falls silent. We care a little bit – he *did* save the passengers, after all. EXT. OF SHIP ON PLANET: SHAZZA sees two suns. ZEKE, IMAM, 3 MUSLIM BOYS, PARIS, and JACK look at the desert landscape. Presumably JOHNS is inside re-securing RIDDICK. The survivors discuss that the air is thin, and ZEKE starts to modify the crew's spare suits to make oxygen dispensers. INT.OF SHIP: FRY talks with JOHNS about RIDDICK. (I reproduce this short but funny discussion here for your pleasure and perusal.) FRY: What about him? (looking at RIDDICK, chained once again, with the bit still in, giving all BDSM types wet dreams for the rest of the year.) JOHNS: Big Evil? My prisoner. Highest priority. FRY: We just keep him locked up forever? JOHNS: Be my choice. Already escaped once from the max-slam facility on- Fry (cutting him off): I don't need his life story. Is he really that dangerous? JOHNS: Only around humans. Survivors realize the ship's storage tank cracked in the crash, and they have no water. A search begins for something to drink. Meanwhile, RIDDICK, who is handcuffed behind his back to a broken pipe (Shaz's note – NOT a bulkhead, as is written in the book. A bulkhead is a wall in a ship!) dislocates both of his shoulders to raise his hands above his head *behind his back* and thus 1. Impresses teen aged boys everywhere2. Icks out other members of the audience and 3. Escapes. PARIS opens his personal cargo to reveal very old and dusty bottles of alcohol, along with ancient weapons. All except the 4 MUSLIMS drink. JOHNS discovers RIDDICK is gone and seems pissed. The other survivors look for whatever they can salvage, and PARIS shows off his collection of antique weapons. ZEKE is less than impressed. EXT OF SPACESHIP: The third sun makes its first appearance. FRY, JOHNS, IMAM and the 3 BOYS leave to search for water. ZEKE digs graves. DESERT PLANET: The water party discovers the boneyard. FRY tells JOHNS that she almost killed them all by purging the passengers. RIDDICK overhears, and cuts a lock of her hair for no adequately explained reason. Water party leaves, and finds the abandoned geological outpost. BOYS start working on the water reclaimer, and FRY discovers the emergency skiff and the orrery (the planet model thingey). EXT OF SPACESHIP: PARIS hears a noise, comes down from his seat to accuse JACK, who is with SHAZZA. They all hear a noise and think it's RIDDICK. SHAZZA kills a STRANGER that apparently survived the crash. Either the movie does a poor job of conveying a long time, or RIDDICK can apparently run really damn fast, because he now appears in PARIS 's seat, drinking his brandy. ZEKE starts to dig another grave, but gets killed. We care, because ZEKE was cool, and had that whole aborigine thing going. SHAZZA finds RIDDICK standing over the grave with shiv in hand, looking at what's left of ZEKE. She screams. BY TERMITE MOUND THINGEYS, CALLED EVAPORITE DEPOSITS IN THE BOOK: RIDDICK starts to run, is attacked by JOHNS, who rips off his goggles. RIDDICK stops fighting to protect his eyes. JOHNS and SHAZZA beat him, and presumably drag his 200+ pounds back to the ship. EXT. OF SPACE SHIP: FRY talks with JOHNS, discussing her belief that RIDDICK didn't kill ZEKE (note: at this point in the book, JOHNS calls RIDDICK "Sir Shiv-a-lot", which is a great line and really should have been used in the movie). INT OF SPACESHIP: FRY and RIDDICK have their first talk. Again, this is too good to be missed. FRY: There's a debate right now as to whether we should just leave you here to die. (Note: my wav file must be corrupted, because it skips this sentence) FRY: Tell me about the sounds. You told Johns you heard something. RIDDICK: You mean the whispers? (See how this doesn't make any sense without her line?) A TERRIBLY DRAMATIC PAUSE FRY: (in a whisper) What whispers? RIDDICK: The ones telling me to go for the sweet spot, just to the left of the spine, fourth lumbar down. The abdominal aorta. It's a metallic taste, human blood, copperish, but if you cut it with peppermint snaps that goes away. (The book says "schnapps", and I tend to agree that this sounds better. I don't see RIDDICK as a cookie aficionado. BTW, anatomically, this is correct. Ouch.) FRY (cutting him off): You wanna shock me with the truth now? RIDDICK: All you people are so scared of me. Most days I'd take that as a compliment. But it ain't me you gotta worry about now. FRY: Show me your eyes Riddick. RIDDICK: You'd have to come a lot closer for that. ANOTHER TERRIBLY DRAMATIC PAUSE FRY wipes her hands on her pants and nervously steps forward. RIDDICK growls softly, reducing me to a pile of wet Jell-O. (Time out for a nice little fantasy.) RIDDICK: Closer. (I’m still Jell-O.) JACK: Where the hell can I get eyes like that? RIDDICK: Gotta kill a few people. (Interrupting) JACK: 'Kay, I can do it. RIDDICK: Then you gotta get sent to a slam where they tell ya you'll never see daylight again. You dig up a doctor, and you pay him 20 menthol Kools to do a surgical shine job on your eyeballs JACK interrupting again(I'd be careful about that, kid!): So you can see who's sneakin' up on you in the dark. RIDDICK: Exactly. FRY: Leave! A THIRD TERRIBLY DRAMATIC PAUSE FRY (quietly): Leave. JACK leaves. RIDDICK: Cute kid. (See, he does have a paternal side!) EXT. OF SPACESHIP: FRY decides to investigate the hole where ZEKE died. (Seems like a fairly obvious 'No Trespassing' sign to me, but whatcha gonna do?) She almost dies. JOHNS and IMAM pull her out of one of the termite mound-looking things. The creatures almost pull her back in by the rope around her waist, but IMAM cuts it. At least she discovers bad boy RIDDICK didn't do it. This time, at least. INT. OF SPACESHIP: The survivors go to the ship and start packing essentials. FRY and IMAM get a power cell out of the HG, dropping it in the process. Meanwhile, JOHNS is making a deal with RIDDICK. Yep, you guessed it, here it is: RIDDICK (amusement evident in his tone): Finally found something worse than me, huh? JOHNS: So here's the deal. You work without chains, without bit, and without shivs. You do what I say, when I say it. RIDDICK (interrupting, and no longer amused): For what? The honor of goin' back to some asshole of a cell? Fuck you. (Please do, Mr. Riddick. Please do. JOHNS: The truth is, is I’m tired of chasin' you. RIDDICK: You sayin' you'd cut me loose? JOHNS: I’m thinkin' you coulda died in the crash. RIDDICK: My recommendation: do me. (In a soft whisper. Jell-O time again.) Don't take the chance that I'll get shiv-happy on your wanna-be ass. JOHNS: 'Kay RIDDICK (continuing as if JOHNS hadn't interrupted him): Ghost me, muthafucka – that's what I would do to you! JOHNS gets to shoot his great big gun. JOHNS: I want you to remember this moment, the way it coulda gone and didn't. Here. JOHNS holds the goggles out to RIDDICK, who grabs the gun instead. RIDDICK is quite severely pissed at this moment, and Mr. Vin Diesel does such a wonderful job of acting, we can *see* the emotions and thoughts running through his mind as they show on his (extremely fine) face. He holds the gun on JOHNS. JOHNS (in a very quiet voice): Take it easy. RIDDICK (In a very LOUD voice): FUCK YOU!!!!!! JOHNS: Do we have a deal? RIDDICK: He then throws the gun down (Ouch! Poor gun) and grabs the goggles, leaving JOHNS alone in the dark. DESERT PLANET: All the survivors are walking to the outpost. RIDDICK is dragging a heavy sled, and still has no oxygen. PARIS introduces himself to RIDDICK. EMERGENCY SKIFF: FRY discovers they will need more power cells. SHAZZA discovers the Sand Cat and gets it working. JOHNS discovers RIDDICK has gone walk-about. RIDDICK discovers the coring room. ALI discovers the creatures, just like ZEKE did. The others get the water reclaimer working. INT. ABANDONED GEOLOGIC OUTPOST: Everyone gets a drink. Most people come up with a sugar-coated explanation for why there are no people around. RIDDICK breaks them to the harsh reality, and JACK backs him up. IMAM realizes he is missing a pupil. INT. CORING ROOM: ALI dies dramatically and we don't care at all, because the movie doesn't develop his character at all. Honestly, how many of you even knew his name? I didn't, until I read the book. The creatures swoop around dramatically, JOHNS drops a flare dramatically, and the geologists' bones are shown in a dramatic green light. Dramatically. They realize the creatures avoid the light. FRY realizes the core samples are dated, and the last one is from 22 years ago. She rushes to the orrery. INSIDE ORRERY ROOM: FRY shows how the planet will go into eclipse. RIDDICK says it. You know. THE SINGLE MOST DROOLED OVER PHRASE IN THE MOVIE! "You're not afraid of the dark, are you?" EXT. OF SKIFF: FRY decides what needs to be done and starts giving orders. INT. OF SKIFF: JOHNS advises her to wait on getting the other power cells. She freaks over this stupid advice. JOHNS tells her how RIDDICK escaped, and that he plans to double-cross RIDDICK. She seems less than pleased. JOHNS leaves. EXT. OF SKIFF: JOHNS finds RIDDICK using a personal grooming appliance. INT. OF SKIFF: RIDDICK and FRY have THE TALK. You know the one I'm talking about. RIDDICK: Looks like we're a few shy. Power cells. FRY (in a scared sounding whisper): They're coming. RIDDICK: It's strange, not doin' a run up on the main drive yet. Unless! Unless he told you the particulars of my escape. FRY (still whispering): I got the quick and dirty version. RIDDICK: Now you're worried about a repeat of history. FRY: It has entered our minds. RIDDICK: I asked what *you* thought. FRY: You scare me, Riddick. That's what you want to hear, isn't it? Now can I just get back to work? (Hint to Fry: it's hard to be the tough girl when you've just admitted you're scared. Might want to rethink this tactic next time!) RIDDICK: I've been meaning to catch up with you alone. (You can catch me anytime!) Unrestrained. (See earlier note about BDSM types getting wet and squishy.) You think Johns, is a do-right man? You think I can trust him to cut me loose? FRY (trying to sound nonchalant): Why? What didja hear? RIDDICK: Well. Guess if it was trickeration, he'd just, ah, X me out, huh? He'd kill me. Then again, I AM worth twice as much alive. (Leans in closer) Oh you didn't know that? Your Johns, ain't a cop. He's got that nickel-slick badge, (pause while he switches to her other ear, so as not to play favorites) and that blue uniform. But he's just a merc, TREMENDOUSLY DRAMATIC PAUSE, WHICH IS OK BECAUSE WE GET A CHANCE TO STARE AT VIN DIESEL RIDDICK continues: and I'm just a payday. He won't kill me, see. The creed, is greed. FRY interrupts (how do these people have the balls to keep interrupting this guy? Where do they keep them?): DON'T waste my time. We're not going to turn on each other, no matter how hard you try. RIDDICK: I don't truly know what's going to happen when the lights go out, Carolyn, but I do know, once the dyin' starts, this little psycho fuck family of ours is going to rip itself apart. RIDDICK turns to leave. Before exiting, he stops and turns around. RIDDICK: Ever wonder why Johns shakes like that? Ask him. And ask why your crew pal had to scream so *painfully* before he died. INT. SOME GENERIC ROOM, I THINK: JOHNS shoots heroin into his eye. EEEEeeeewwwwww! FRY catches him in the act and talks with him. JOHNS officially becomes a bad guy in the audiences' minds. EXT. OF BUILDING: The huge ringed planet comes into view. The eclipse is starting. Everyone loads into the Sand Cat, RIDDICK more dramatically than the rest, of course, and SHAZZA drives like a taxi driver outta there. JACK almost gets decapitated, but RIDDICK obligingly points out the obstacle to him. EXT. OF SPACESHIP: Everyone rushes to get supplies. RIDDICK and JOHNS engage in a manly man contest to see who can carry more. RIDDICK wins. Was there any doubt? The eclipse happens, the creatures come out. RIDDICK and SHAZZA get caught out, and dive to the ground. At the first break, SHAZZA freaks, stands up to run, and gets killed. Shaz gets pissed at this (and NO, I didn't name myself after her. I just thought she would have kept her head better than this. INT. OF SPACESHIP: The creatures try to get in. PARIS wigs out. They move into another room of the ship. The creatures start trying to get into this compartment, too. JOHNS starts using a cutting torch to open a new door. RIDDICK gets into a staring contest with a baby creature, and HASAN shows "extremely bad timing". He gets killed. Again, no one really cares. FRY discovers that light actually burns the critters. She comes up with a plan to get back to the skiff, and elects RIDDICK as the Pied Piper. She also insults JOHNS, who gets pissed and threatens to shoot her, until RIDDICK steps in the way and threatens JOHNS's, ahem, 'anatomy'. TOP VIEW OF EXT. OF SPACESHIP: FRY uses the cutting torch to scare off any creatures (she hopes) and the family moves to the cockpit of the ship to get stuff. RIDDICK looks inside and decides it "Looks clear." JOHNS goes in, gets jumped by a creature, and argues semantics with RIDDICK. JOHNS (very angry): You said clear! RIDDICK: I said it *looked* clear. JOHNS: Well, what's it look now? RIDDICK (looks inside, then turns back to JOHNS, innocently): Looks clear. NIGHT SHOT OF PLANET: They start running, with 15 gazillion candlepower of lights going. I *personally* would have spent this time staring at that fine ass in front of me, which means I probably would have tripped and died, but I'd be a happy corpse! PARIS freaks out for less noble reasons, and dies. The audience cheers, because he was an annoying asshole, and we get to see that ultra-cool scene from the preview. Unfortunately, he kills the lights, too. NIGHT SHOT OF PLANET: They're down to Molotov torches. JOHNS and FRY realize they have been going in circles. RIDDICK says he circled to buy time to think, because the canyon is full of creatures. He also tells everyone that "the girl is bleeding." Everyone looks at FRY. He says no, not her. Points at JACK. Her. We suddenly realize JACK is a girl, which makes her earlier comment about "saving our dicks" much more amusing. ANOTHER NIGHT SHOT: JOHNS discusses his plan with RIDDICK, including the immortal Iines: JOHNS: Battlefield doctors decide who lives and dies. It's called triage. RIDDICK: Funny – kept calling it murder when I did it. RIDDICK decides not to kill JACK, but to kill JOHNS instead, and a way cool fight ensues. JOHNS gets killed by a creature, thus sparing us from seeing RIDDICK do it, so we don't feel guilty about still liking him. YET ANOTHER NIGHT SHOT: FRY tries to turn back, runs into RIDDICK, who tells JACK not to cry for JOHNS. They apparently decide to take a break (yeah, why not – they're just surrounded by hungry flying night-vision having predators, why not take a Kit-Kat break?) RIDDICK discovers the creatures have a blind spot. We KNOW this will be important later. IMAM tries to bless him, and we learn RIDDICK 's views on religion. AGAIN WITH THE NIGHT SHOT: They ditch the sled. RIDDICK has the power cells, IMAM, JACK, FRY, and RASHAD just run. RASHAD dies. Again, we don't know him, so we don't care. These guys should have been wearing red Star Trek uniforms. (We'll hope this was unintentional, and not some statement about the Wheat Brothers' and David Twohy's feeling on Islam.) A creature tries to kill JACK, and RIDDICK kills it. Did NOT know who it was fuckin' with. It starts to rain. RIDDICK gets pissed. Again. He finds a cave and puts the other 3 in it, then makes it back to the skiff alone. EXT. OF SKIFF: RIDDICK makes it to the skiff, turns on its lights, and breaks his light. He feels bad about doing this. INT. OF THE ONLY CAVE ON THE PLANET NOT INFESTED WITH HUNGRY PREDATORS: IMAM and FRY find glowworms and drop them into a bottle, hoping the alcohol won't kill them like a worm in tequila. FRY decides not to take the others with her, oh no, she has to go alone. WHY????? Wouldn't it have made more sense to fill the other bottle and leave together? Aargh. Shaz gets frustrated over this. (I know, killing Fry off made a great ending, from a writer's point of view. The writer in me knows this. But the rest of me is still pissed.) EXT. OF SKIFF: FRY tries to talk RIDDICK into going back for the others. RIDDICK tries to talk FRY into leaving with him. Guess what my choice would have been. Sorry, guys. It was nice knowin' ya! They fight, and end up wrestling in the mud, which gives the guys in the audience something to look at, and the females (esp. the BDSM types) get all gushy when RIDDICK ends up on top of her. INT. OF CAVE: RIDDICK and FRY turn up, and collect IMAM and JACK. They all leave, and dodge creatures back to the skiff. RIDDICK gets seperated, and in a bit of instant karma, they leave his ass behind. EXT. OF SKIFF: You know it's bad when even the preacher says to leave him behind! But FRY goes back for RIDDICK. EXTREMELY COOL OVERHEAD VIEW NIGHT SHOT: RIDDICK is in a creature's blind spot. Another shows up and he is screwed. FRY shows up with a light and saves him. They run. FRY gets killed and we all scream along with RIDDICK "NNOOOO!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!". INT OF SKIFF: RIDDICK gets there, and starts the take off sequence. He shuts off the lights and toasts the creatures, then leaves, swooping over the rings of the planet and emerging back into the light, in a very obvious literary sort of way. He scares the shit out of JACK, telling her the dying isn't done, then says that RIDDICK died down there on the planet. We realize we've just seen a movie with almost no original parts, done on a smallish budget, with no name actors (except for an Australian actor who's on a Sci-Fi Channel series). The plot is nothing more than a re-hash of the classics, and in the end, nothing has been solved. And the whole thing was done so fucking well we all immediately lost whatever little pathetic lives we had and joined this group. The character arcs were superb (except for that Muslim thing), the people seemed real, the good guy turned out to be a bad guy, the bad guy turned out to be a REALLY bad guy that we still loved, the boy was a girl, the romantic interest got killed unexpectedly, and even the people that we knew would die, died in an order we didn't expect. David Twohy, I kiss your feet. You go! And write a sequel, a good one! Or we'll sic Matt on you. The End. Shaz takes a bow and rests her cramping hands. From typing, you sickos! |
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